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May 11, 2004

How To Get That Job Of Your Dreams

I’ve been needing a good (vague) name for the company that I work at…for now, lets just call it Bob’s Hogs and Weiner Pigs. This is actually painted on a real sign here in the town that I live in. In case you’re wondering where this sign is; it's on the road to my parent’s house (on the right).

Dear Unemployed Guy Who Came Up To Me At The Cash Register This Morning While I Was Clearly Working On Something Else,

The first rule of getting a job somewhere is DO NOT PISS OFF THE PEOPLE ALREADY EMPLOYED THERE. Other how-to-get-that-job-of-your-dreams tips include:

· Don’t stand at the customer service desk to fill out your application. And when I ask you if you’d like to sit down over there and fill it out, don’t decline and continue to fill out the application (while still standing) at the customer service desk. You just failed your fist customer service test.

· When I tell you The Big Boss Lady of Bob’s Hogs and Weiner Pigs is busy with a customer, don’t to ask if you can speak with her anyway.

· When I tell you that you can give your application to me because the HR Manager isn’t available don’t tell me you spoke to him and he wants you to give him the application directly. I know the HR Manager. He hates applicants. He hates you. He would never say that to you.

· Don’t come in and ask to speak to The Big Boss Lady about a possible job wearing a too small T-shirt, swim trunks, and flip-flops. If you want a job, dress up. You can dress like that once you’re hired.

· Don’t give me a dirty look after you’ve left the store and I’m walking out to my car. You’re already not getting the job. You don’t know how far my powers extend…I could come back to haunt you, sucka.


Ensie aka The Shit

A Special Message!

To the guy in the green Explorer who would NOT let me merge in front of him this morning on my way into work, approx. 8am—I am so sorry. That’s right. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that you were a GIANT PENIS. If I had, I would have eased off the gas, instead of fighting for my spot at 65 MPH around a scary curve in a truck with questionable tire tread. I never would have tried to follow the usual merging rules (in case you need a quick update it’s one car from Lane A, one care from Lane B, repeat indefinitely). Maybe you should think about getting a bumper sticker that states “I AM A GIANT PENIS,” just so people can recognize you in the future.

Posted by Ensie at May 11, 2004 08:04 PM


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