September 27, 2008

Depression Returning

Oh, hi...I have a blog.

Unfortunately, I haven't had much of a life as of late. Things have been pretty much wake up, work, return home, repeat. I haven't been sleeping well, nor have I been spending much time with friends or even out of the house.

I've been extremely home sick for San Diego and have been missing my old job. Not so much working at Bob's Hogs - oh fuck it - Borders - but the feeling I had there of being successful and capable; especially knowing that my opinion was valued as part of a greater team working toward a common goal.

It's really surprising how hard this job change has been for me. I try every day to let things roll off my back and keep things on a superficial level. But I am struggling to learn a system that contains nothing but exceptions to the rules, dealing with constantly being attacked simply for being the low person on the totem pole, and having my decisions being contradicted time after time. This past week was especially bad.

I told myself that after the last year at Borders, when I worked under a new supervisor that I had difficulty with, I would not work at another job that brought me to tears on a regular basis. Prior to that year, I LOVED my job at Borders and enjoyed a lot of success. But how do you find your perfect job when you get laid off and the job market is crazy bad?

While I'm loving the purchasing aspects of my new job (the minimal ones I'm allowed to do), the politics of working in a state job, and the attitudes of the other employees have been very difficult to adjust to. Everyone I work with feels that their job is completely secure no matter what they choose to do, short of disappearing for a week or two or going on a shooting spree, so they can behave in whatever manner they want. My boss is aware of the bad attitudes of several of my co-workers and has discussed it with me, but will do nothing to address the issue directly.

Adding to the problems is the fact that my boss tends to change expectations when it comes to my job. One week she wants things done one way, the next she wants them done another. There is little consistency, so I often need to re-ask questions about how she wants things, which often earns me a comment about how this particular item has already been explained to me. I was told that the learning curve for my job is one year, but suddenly the expectation is that I learn things NOW, and don't ask too many questions.

When the work day is over, I want nothing more than to come home and get into bed. Which is all I've done for the last few weeks. I haven't even managed to get to the grocery store. I don't want to socialize, I don't want to go out, I just want to curl up and sleep, which I've managed to do plenty of. Left to my own devices, I can't fall asleep until 3 AM, but I'm sleeping in until the afternoon. Something I haven't done since before my heavy-duty depression meds.

Posted by Ensie at 07:36 PM | Comments (94) | TrackBack

September 04, 2008

Welcome Back to Jr. High

Life has been...different...lately.

I always thought that when people joked about state employment they were just exaggerating. There was no way that it was as bad as they described. There had to be people who were invested in their jobs and worked at a normal pace, right? Not everyone could be a clock-watching Union member biding their time until retirement, right? At least the people I would be working with would be committed to their jobs, right?


Apparently not.

I should say now that there are several people in my office that are great to work with and have taught me a lot. They've been nothing but supportive and work hard every day. I enjoy working with them and would happily do so anywhere.

But now, the Dark Side:

There are a number of people I am required to have interaction with who do nothing but drag down my day. They spend more time whining about their jobs than doing them, and getting what I need from them is like pulling teeth. In the last three weeks I've had the following occur:

-- After placing a recycling bin next to the trash can near the fax machine I was told, "you don't have jurisdiction over us - you can't MAKE us recycle!" and then was forced to play hide and seek with the recycling bin for a week (please note that state agencies are required to recycle).

-- Been informed by one person in Payroll that he will not use e-mail. WTF?!? He requires that all communication be sent to him via Post-It. POST-IT. If it doesn't fit he wants it on multiple Post-Its. How is this allowed??

-- Multiple people have advised me to "pace yourself" or "slow down" because I work too quickly and continuously run out of things to do. I'm not going to slow down just because everyone else is working at a snail's pace. Speed the fuck up.

-- After touching a file on someone's desk, a Supervisor was informed that I "went through" that person's desk. After explaining that I glanced at the contents of the folder because the owner of said person's desk would not get back to me via e-mail (see above) and I thought I could get the answer I needed from the folder. Everything was fine after my discussion with the supervisor, but it was truly a mountain out of a molehill.

This is a sampling of the major BS that I've dealt with since starting my state job. It really emanates from a group of just a few people, and the majority have been great, but dealing with just those few can really fuck up your day. In addition the pettiness - and downright meanness - level is unbelievable; it reminds me of junior high school.

I really want to do well in this new position, but it's been a while since I've been the low person on the totem pole. I'm not used to having to ask for permission to do everything, and I've never worked in such a process-oriented organization before. It's hard to keep from stepping on toes, especially in a place where people can hold grudges against you forever. My office mate actually took two months off after starting due to workplace stress from workplace relationships.

I know I'm making this sound like a terrible job, but it's really not. I'm enjoying the work. I've always loved what I've been hired to do, and I'd love to make a career of it. I'm not heavily supervised, I'm given a lot of freedom to take breaks and lunch when I want, so my schedule is my own. Most of the people I work with are great, and have been extremely supportive.

At this point, I'm going to continue on and do my best to keep the drama to a minimum. Hopefully things will quiet down as time goes on and I settle in.

I'm counting on it.

Posted by Ensie at 07:29 PM | Comments (241) | TrackBack