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November 06, 2006
Changes Are Afoot
Found at so anyway... with a mile long snopes.com story to back it up, but it's still great either way.
In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then lookup aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’
will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and
“neighbour.’
Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be
replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels
– (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, “God
Save The Queen”. July 4th will no longer be
celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you’re
not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not
grown up enough to handle a gun; Therefore, you will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
this is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) — roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all; Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys; Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Audie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in /Four Weddings and a Funeral/ was an
experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a
cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us
mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to
1776).
Thank you for your co-operation
Posted by Ensie at November 6, 2006 09:32 AM
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