Both Hands

Memorandum

To: The World

CC: The Universe

From: Ensie

Date: 04/27/06

Re: Dead to Me
____________________________

Magalog

Webinar

Please cease the use of these "words" (I use the term loosely) effective immediately.

Six Weird Things

I'll start off slow...

1. It is physically impossible for me to leave my hair down all day. It either gets too flat or too hot or forms massive rat's nests so, usually withn a couple of hours of being awake--up in a ponytail or a clip.

2. I must be the driver in any car. Sitting the passenger's seat gives me the willies. Sitting in the back seat gives me hives.

Gathering speed...

3. I have a specific "sleep window" which must be strictly observed. I need to be in bed, reading or watching TV, all medications taken between 9 and 10 PM or I will be awake until the wee hours. If you note the time on this post, you will see that I'm planning for little sleep tonight.

4. Picker. This is cathartic to finally let it out. Please use the link and do not think I am referring to my nose.

Reaching freakdom...

5. Once I find a dish that I like at a restaurant, I will never order anything else. I have been to Macaroni Grill 15 times and have always (and will continue to order in the future) the Chicken Scaloppini. My family has eaten at the same Mexican restaurant every Friday night for over 20 years - I have had exactly two different dishes at this restaurant.

And...we're there!

6. Of all the conversations that have taken place between Frinklin and myself the following happens every day, without exception. Usually more than once. "Jeffrey has gas," then, seconds later, "What a stink! Jeffrey, what died inside of you? Run for your life! My nose hairs are burning!" Yes, dog farting is apparently our most popular topic.

Take the meme if you want it. It really does feel good to get it out.

New Rug

Not looking too hot, as I accidentally crumpled the picture before it was scanned, but trust me -- it totally pulls the room together.

Sleep Pose

Find your own pose!

The real reason we sleep this way:

The Final, Final Bill

Arriving home from work today and finding mail in my mailbox, I brought it inside and began flipping through the magazines and letters. Two envelopes immediately caught my eye. We had ended our service with both Qwest (for home phone service) and T-Mobile (Frinklin's wireless service) in mid-February and had paid the final bills over a month ago.

I opened the T-Mobile bill first, and happily noted that this "bill" was actually a statement showing the zero balance due. Fine by me. Thanks for the notice.

The Qwest bill, however, showed a balance due of $4.32. While $4.32 isn't a big deal, I know I had paid our final bill already. I quickly read through the details and the fine print and found that this bill, this next one after the final bill is the revised final bill. WTF? Once you get a final bill, it's your FINAL bill, that was always my understanding.

I called Qwest to bitch at them but as I am no longer a Qwest customer my customer service representative could care less about me and my $4.32. The exact trascript of our conversation:

Me: "I just received another final bill for phone service I cancelled over a month ago. I paid the final bill in full last month."

CSR: "Yes, that's your revised final bill."

Me: "Yes, I see that. However, I didn't use any of the services during the period you are billing me for. I ended our contract, paid the money due, and now you're telling me that you made an error and owe more?"

CSR: "Yes. It's your revised final bill."

Me: "I understand that. Why did I receive the revised final bill?"

CSR: "Beacuse you still owe money on the account."

Me: "For what?"

CSR: "For our phone service."

Me: "I have already paid the final bill for all services rendered. I didn't use your service during this time."

CSR: "You paid the final bill, but this is revised, it's a new final bill."

Me: "Can I talk to your supervisor?"

After waiting on hold for over 10 minutes for a supervisor (apparently the supervisors are busy around the Qwest Customer Service Departmet, probably because they have complete idiots manning the phones!) I just hung up. It's not worth raising my blood pressure further over $4.23.

Maybe I'll start sending out revised final bills to my customers, "I ordered you some books and billed you for them, however, after consideration we have revised your final bill and would like to you pay more." I'm sure they will understand why when I use the Qwest's customer service strategy to explain it.

Qwest may be cheaper than our current phone company, but I am willing to pay more for great service.

"Sell value not price." - Jeffrey Gitomer (attended his recent sales seminar and highly recommend him)

Favorite New Blog

Stories so descriptive you're standing right next to her, Liz's blog is amazing. I've never wanted to visit the Deep South until now.

Granny Gets a Vibrator

I am in love.

The Launch

Operation: Better Person

The goals:

· Walk the dogs every day
· Go to Weight Watchers
· Paint bathroom
· Paint kitchen
· Learn how to tile the bathroom
· Get a pedicure
· Read more, TV less
· Put more money toward paying off dept, less toward unfulfilling items
· Spend more time with the Scaredy Cat (Merlin - who currently lives under the bed more than anyplace else):

· Hang art
· Eat more vegetables
· Go to the theater (live) more
· Investigate jungle plants in our yard and take care of them
· Keep the house clean
· Go to bed earlier and wake up earlier
· Eat at the dining room table more often than in front of the TV
· Regular baseball games
· Become a member of the community:
o Find a dentist
o Find an eye doctor
o Find the Well-Woman Clinic
o Find a hairdresser
o Volunteer
o Find some friends
o Explore
· Hire dog behavior specialist to work with The Jeffrey to allow future friends into the house
· Trap feral stray cats in neighborhood for Peninsula Spay/Neuter Project
· Improve professional knowledge and abilities
o Work on presentation skills/public speaking
o Read one sales book per quarter
o Reduce procrastination
o Trust myself - self confidence is the only "needs improvement" mark on work review
o Subscribe to and read more professional literature
o Attend sales seminar
o Attend one networking event per week
o Learn how to assess markets more effectively
o Set up minimum of one meeting per week with prospective customer(s)

More to come!

Obsessed

If you know me well, it's not a surprise that I get obsessed with things easily. Things like, say, cereal. Ask my husband about how I listen to a CD. Is there a repeat button we can use to just play that Decemberists song over and over again?

However, I am not alone in my current obsession.

Jim Gaffigan rocks my world. And Frinklin's.

We used to annoy my parents by going through whole Eddie Izzard comedy routines ("Covered in bees!"). Now we annoy his parents by randomly throwing out Jim Gaffigan lines:

"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'"

"Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'"

"Hoooooot Pocket!"

"'Where's the Statue of Liberty?' Oh, ah, that's in the desert. Yeah, we thought it really complimented the desert."

"Should I sit in it or eat it? Hey! I could sit in it and eat it! This is sticky without pants on."

I could go on and on. However, I'm need in the other room as Frinkin just fired up Beyond the Pale.

Lets not start off tomorrow with REM's "It's the End of the World"

I woke up this morning to Daniel Powter's* song "Bad Day". I heard it twice more on the Today Show as background music. Then he performed live. It was on the CD in the car as I drove to work. Twice. I drove to work twice. I got all the way there and realized I forgot my cell phone. Things did not start off well.

It poured rain all day and traffic was hellish everywhere I went. I drove to the wrong site for one meeting, only to have to spend a half hour working my way backwards to the correct site, about 5 minutes from where I started. It should not take an hour to drive 10 miles.

After my first meeting, I resigned myself to being about 15 minutes late for my lunch appointment. Obviously, I had not taken the crappy weather and traffic into account (again!), and ended up 40 minutes late. The meeting was terrible. I hate "mentoring" someone 20 years older than myself. It makes things awkward. Actually I hate "mentoring" in general.

Missed the deadline for sending off a report to the Boss of My Department. Didn't get a chance to finish the proposal for a program I would like to develop (supposedly it was going to start this week--um, no).

My $400 expense check has not arrived, despite having been sent out over a week ago. No, they can't issue a new one. No, they can't track the old one.

I finally gave up on the day at 6:15. I just wasn't going to get anything else acomplished. I purposely left my laptop at the office.

For the love o'Pete! Lets hope Monday starts off better than today!

*Does he ever not wear a hat? Hat. Hat. Sweaty hat - gross. Is he bald and it makes him unappealing to younger audiences? Is he cold? What?

Don't think about it. You can enjoy the weekend.

Remember when I said I wasn't worried about my review? I only spent an hour or so being nervous this morning. Then, the review was put off until Monday.

I've also suddenly been asked to do a self-eval, which I am to return by...Monday? Guess the Boss of My Department will be in early that day as my review is first thing in the AM.

I was told things like, "You've gone through an enormous amount of change this year!" Is that just to set me up? Will the next part of that statemet be, "That's why we cut you some slack since your results weren't up to par."

Honey Nut Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

I've developed a quirk and it's starting to worry me. I've begun eating a bowl of Honey Nut Shredded Wheat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I do mix it up at work and have a latte in the morning and yogurt and granola for lunch, but only because I don't have access to ceral and organic nonfat milk.

I haven't eaten much else in the last several weeks. I just can't be bothered to cook and I don't have any desire to eat anything else, in fact, other things don't taste good. Is my body craving fiber or something?

My therapist didn't seem to worried when I brought it up a couple of weeks ago. She instructed me to "lighten up, it's only cereal." When does it become more than cereal? After a month? Six weeks? Six months? I'm now shopping at several different grocery stores each week in order to keep up the supply of my preferred cereal. It seems to spook the checkers when I buy more than 2 or 3 boxes at a time.

Special Extra Credit: I hate all other types of shredded wheat.

Extra Special Extra Credit: a review of Honey Nut Shredded Wheat

Review

My review is tomorrow. It will be a melding of three different people's opinions of me--my General Manager in San Diego (7 months), my General Manager in Tacoma (2 months), and the Boss of My Department (3 months).

I'm confident that GM in San Diego will say good things about me. She has always given me excellent "exceeds standards" reviews.

GM in Tacoma...that could be a little sticky. I've never been good at being micro-managed, which he often does. He and I don't agree on a lot of things, and I spend a lot of time arguing on behalf of the person who took over for me in Tacoma. Silly things like needing actual time to do one's job and allowing him to leave the store to attend business meetings. What was I thinking? That's crazy talk! I've seriously considered moving my base of operations to another store because he can be so obnoxious.

The Boss of My Department can run hot and cold. I have no idea if she tends to grade hard or on a curve. Will she take into account the fact that I often have no idea where customers may be geographically? That I basically started from scratch coming here as no records had been kept for 10 years prior to my arrival? That my job is loosely defined and getting support can be extremely difficult? That they started my job in the middle of the holiday season?

Usually I spend a lot of time fretting over reviews. I imagine horrible things and remember stupid mistakes I've made. I magnify every fault 500 times. I lie awake and night wondering what my "focus areas" will be, and where I dropped the ball.

Somehow, I've managed to forget all about my review until I noticed it on my calendar today. Could it be that I've been too busy actually working to notice that I have an evaluation in the near future? Apparently so. Or the anti-anxiety drugs have really kicked in.

My Teenage Self Would Hate Me

It's April and baseball season has started. For most people this means that they catch a few games here and there, and possibly follow their favorite team on the weekends. While growing up I religiously rolled my eyes and complained whenever baseball was on, "Daaaaad! This is boooorrriinnng. It's worse than golf/tennis!!" I have learned in the last few years that this is, in fact, NOT the correct way to watch baseball.

How to watch baseball (according to Frinklin):

1. Opening Day should be a national holiday.

2. Baseball must be on the television at all times. If, say, a movie is being watched on one television, then the other TV must be tuned to baseball. Preferably, the television should be set up so that one can push a minimal number of buttons in order to "toggle" between several baseball games.

3. All baseball game commercial breaks will be used to check scores of other baseball games.

4. Social schedules must be arranged around (Mariners) baseball games.

5. The MLB cable TV package showing EVERY game on at any hour is totally worth $200 and I am mean for not paying for it.

6. Baseball Tonight will be watched as often as possible, so as to stay up-to-date on all dealings that relate to baseball in any way.

I've been steadily dealing with baseball fever since, oh, February. Purchases of the Baseball America Prospect Handbook are made to be poured over constantly. The frenzy over hats reaches its peak, "This one? Or this one? What about this one? I can't decide! I love them all!"

I wake up to "Do you know what day it is?"

"Uh, no. Is it someone's birthday? Your grandma?"

"No! It's the day pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training!!"

I steadfastly refuse to watch any Spring Training games--I don't want to see any baseball until it's absolutely necessary. This year I started to relent, however. We attended the Mariners' opening day game. I've skipped reruns of The Office and Scrubs to see what happens in the 9th inning. I asked, "What's his Spring Training batting average?" while watching a game last week.

It's spreading. Pretty soon I'll be talking about VORP.