Both Hands

The Holidays, or, When People Are Stupid

Please don't ask me why we don't carry something when I've just told you we are happy to order it, but it isn't in our inventory. I know you don't understand why everyone doesn't want to read Animals and the Afterlife (the actual title I discussed with this person), but everyone really doesn't. If I say it's not there, it's not that I, personally, made the decision to kick it from our shelves (or in this case, never carry it at all), it's that some buyer somewhere who gets paid more than me didn't want it. I don't know his or her logic. And I told you, I can order it especially for you if you really need it. Leave me alone.

It's not my fault if you don't know the freeways in San Diego. I've given the directions, it's up to you to Mapquest it or whatever.

Don't return your 1973 third of The Generic Travel Guide to Bora Bora, insisting that you just received it as a gift yesterday, when the 45th edition is now on the shelf.

"The book is blue, and it has a butterfly on the cover," is NOT an adequate description of the book you are looking for. I can only do so much. I know books, but I don't have every title in our inventory memorized.

That is all. For now.

Aspiring authors, take note!

How not to get a bookstore to carry your book:

Today I received a box via USPS Media Mail that contained 5 books, all hardcovers, none very impressive. The box had no purchase order listed on the outside (but did have "RE: Your book order" on it) and no invoice or packing list on the inside. There was an order form included with the prices of the books, which were exorbitant, to say the least. The order form also asked for $9.75 per book for shipping and handling charges (4 - 6 weeks to ship). Except that when you send things via Media Mail, I can see exactly how much you are ripping me off--it cost $5.76 to send all 5 books to me originally.

Now--the good part. No phone number was listed on the order form, so I did some research and found the publisher. I called and got the author on the phone. Our conversation was short:

Me: This is Ensie with Bob's Hogs and Weiner Pigs, and we received an order of your books today that we did not order. I need to return them, how would you like me to send them, and how would you like to pay for them?

She: Um, what books?

Me: Books you sent to us unsolicited. Books we will not pay for. Books I need to return.

She: Can you send them to another address for me?

Me: At our expense? (chuckle). Oh, no. No.

She: Shit.

Me: So, what would you like me to do with the books?

She: (long pause) I'll have to call you tomorrow.

Me: OK. My name, again, is Ensie. Do you want my number now?

She: No.

Me: How will you call me back then?

She: I have you on my caller ID.

Me: Oh, great! Then you'll recognize my number when I call you back if I don't hear from you tomorrow. Goodbye!

Don't think you can pull some lame scam on me. I know how it works...the holiday rush...books show up...we shelve them not realizing we didn't order them...and then you bill us for some crap we never would have ordered legitimately.

Hope you don't expect Bob's Hogs to EVER carry your books. I've already passed your info onto the Powers That Be. I'll be waiting for your call.

PS--I've been known to be very generous to small-time publishers and first-time authors if they contact me directly and want us to carry their stuff. Too bad you tried to rip me off first.

The Wrongness of This is Overwhelming

Ewwww.

Mashed potatoes and gravy?!?
Greenbean casserole?

Does anyone like fruitcake in cake form, let alone liquid?

What's really odd is that they all have no calories, no carbs, and no caffeine. It's the perfect soda, except for the flavors.

Shudder.

Crazy vs. Crazy

I'm thinking this might need to be a new feature in the blog. Each week (or whenever I feel like it) I can locate some crazy people, then let you all decide who is crazier. This week we have a couple of contenders:

A California teacher has been banned from using the Declaration of Independence in the classroom. Apparently, the facts that God and references to Christianity exist within the Declaration make it unsuitable for use in a 5th grade classroom. That's right--the Declaration of Independence.

I don't think we should have forced school prayer or teach Creationism from the Christian perspective in the classroom. But I'm really not OK with eliminating any and all references to religion, Christian or other. The first Amendment to the US Constitution states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." Get it right people--it's freedom OF religion, not FROM religion. Our Founding Fathers acknowledged the existence of God, specifically the Christian God, and included Him in their historical documents. To erase religion from our past would require us to rewrite history and deny what made us. You can't change history because you don't agree with it.

The idea that people should be protected from anything that makes them remotely uncomfortable is ridiculous. I cannot understand this kind of logic. These same people are the ones that are often quick to point out that our diversity is what makes us great. You can’t have it both ways.

The second person taking part in Crazy vs. Crazy is the really paranoid Mom from Texas who believes a school tradition could make kids gay. During Homecoming week the boys wear dresses and girls wear suits and they "reverse roles" for a day, known as "TWIRP" Day. "TWIRP" stands for "The Woman Is Requested To Pay," kind of a Sadie Hawkins Dance for the entire day. The Liberty Legal Institute stated, "It is outrageous that a school in a small town in East Texas would encourage their 4-year-olds to be cross-dressers."

Seriously? Cross-dressers?

Apparently, this parent in Texas has nothing better to do with her time than push sexualized ideas and messages on kids, instead of allowing them to have fun with a harmless tradition. This same mother does not have a problem with children dressing up for "Camo" Day, in which children will all wear camouflage. Apparently wearing camouflage doesn't predispose them to future bad fashion choices.

Once a Leo...

You are 60% Leo

Found at All Things Jennifer

Time Suckage is an Art

I'm afraid my computer has been taken over by this

of late. It's not that don't want to post, or even that I don't have anything to post about. It's that every time I trun on the damn computer my hands automatically guide me to the Zoo Tycoon 2 icon.

But you can all think Stina, my excellent wedding reception planner and wife of a man who works for Sony, for giving me a copy of Everquest II; the next game guaranteed to suck my life away while staring at a computer screen.

How good am I?

Just a few short days after my post about Jude Law being the sexiest man right now, People magazine goes and copies me! More proof that I am always right.

Ah. Pretty, pretty Jude Law.

Coincidence?

Now, I love President Clinton as much as the next democrat, but doesn't this thing look like a giant mobile home?

Lost could seriously make me lose my shit

The French woman is crazy. What's up with the whispers? What's the sickeness? Is that guy with the hives important? Are his hives important? Is Jack gay? Is Sawyer really coming around?

And most importantly--

TWO WEEKS! TWO!?! Are you kidding me? How can I wait TWO WEEKS? Isn't this November? Isn't it sweeps?

WTF?!

Next time I'll just rent it

What a letdown Halo 2 is. Frinklin and I played cooperatively and finished in just over 10 hours. There was a potential breakdown in blogging this weekend at Frinklin Speaks, but since we finished it so quickly, he's alreay posted his frustration with the game.

The graphics were better, the guns were fun, but the game has a familiar (not a homey, good familiar but a been there, done that familiar) feel to it with nothing all that surprising or different, except for the WORST ending ever. And that is including all the random Final Fantasy story lines (All the characters are adopted? And the villian is their foster mother?) Worse than THAT.

A concensus on Jude Law

With apologies to Zach Braff, my boyfriend. Oh, um, and my husband, Frinklin.

While we may not agree on Brad Pitt (see this for the first addressing of this issue, and here for my feelings on Brad's personal hygiene), Katie and I do agree that Jude Law may represent the most perfect specimen of manhood in the remake of the movie Alfie.

Oh my God. I'm such a twelve year old girl.

The Blower's Daughter

The song that has been stuck in my head constantly and playing on my iTunes incessently.

This Damien Rice song was playing at the end of the last episode of "The L Word" and is the first song in the trailer for the movie "Closer" (which guarantees to be the most pretentious movie ever, and I can't wait).

Thank you

5,000

I got my 5,000th hit last night. It came from Richard's blog, Pearly Gates.

Thanks Richard!

FYI

Ricola Lemon Mint Herb Drops "may have a mild laxative effect if consumed in large quantities."

Large quantites? Like the TWO that I sucked down this morning. I then spent the rest of the day listening to my stomach yell at me via various angry growls.

Population Density Map

This particular one is also uses shades of purple to show which counties were just slightly Republican or Democrat.

A much better picture for the Democrats than we were originally seeing in the county map.

Found at Pearly Gates.

Please help

Can someone please tell me where the thermometer is? I've been looking for it for a good 15 minutes with no luck. When you are feeling sick and possibly a little feverish it's really not so good to spend 15 minutes in bare feet seraching for a stupid thermometer.

Did I mention it's fucking cold here? I know it's autumn and all, but enough with the rain and the frost and the coldness. It's San Diego. On the upside, the dogs are quicker when they go out to pee.

Congratulations Katie!

My sister got a job! She starts on Friday. Yay! (And discounts for me!)

God's Little Joke

I just find the possibility of Alan Keyes' daughter being a lesbian so...words fail me. It is truly one of life's little ironies that statements like this will come back and bite you in the ass every time.

Hope

Well, that whole election thing sucked. And if you're happy that Bush was relected, then good for you. I really am happy for you. I just wish I could be happy for me, too. Because I really don't like our President's take on many issues. I can't grasp the way that his brain works. And yes, I do believe that he thinks. I don't think he's an idiot, as many seem to. I have enough faith in America that we wouldn't pick a complete moron to run our country.

I just can't wrap my mind around the belief that two people loving eachother enough to want to make a lifelong committment is wrong. Just horribly, horribly wrong.

Or that making America strong means elevating ourselves above every other country with an arrogance that is stunning.

Or that admitting mistakes and changing our approach makes us weak somehow.

Or that it's more important to have power and grant favors than to do the right thing.

Or that our natural resources are only there to be used up.

These are not the values I want to teach to my children someday. I want to have a President that I can admire and be proud of. I sincerely hope that this term will be different than the last.

It all started with a simple cough...

...then by Sunday afternoon it turned serious. Finklin tended to the problem, but by the evening our computer had gone into some sort of coma and nothing we did would bring it back. You could turn it on, and then...nothing.

We spent Sunday night and this morning debating taking it down to Frys, but decided to give it one last try--the restore disks. They worked! And all is well again. The computer is up and running, albiet a little lighter in the software department and missing any and all favorites, passwords, and settings, but all that can be fixed.

Thank you, Computer gods.